


i firmly believe that if tragedy happens in your life the first thing you have to do is to change your hair

by moonwaves



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Confessions, Fluff, M/M, Romance, THIS COMPLETELY SNOWBALLED, also known as jonghyuns gay awakening, coming of gay, i think ive given them way more free time than most college students but fuck it Jongkey Cute, like i know i say this ran away from me but This One Ran Away From Me, or 15k words of jonghyun gay panic, that awkward moment when this was meant to be maybe 8k words but it is now 15k
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 16:17:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21460912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonwaves/pseuds/moonwaves
Summary: Kibum’s hair changes a lot. Like, suspiciously a lot.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	i firmly believe that if tragedy happens in your life the first thing you have to do is to change your hair

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fic ive been working on for a good bit now and though i can see some room for improvement im Very proud of it :D omg also if there’s backslashes around words don’t ask questions it means italicize BFHSJS i missed some while editing and will fix later

“I think I’m onto something. I'm connecting the dots.”

They’re in Jinkis room. Study group. Taemin is sitting on the floor cross legged and Minho in a chair behind him, looking dutifully over Taemin's shoulder at his assignments. Jinki is at his desk, elbow on the desk and hand supporting the weight of his head, he looks to be knee deep work and is so focused. Jonghyun has made himself comfy on Jinkis bed, his own assignments and study materials are surrounding him but he pays them no mind as he watches his friends.

Kibum was supposed to join them hours earlier, but things “came up” and he was “sorry” and he’ll “catch up with them later.'' Granted this was all probably true but Jonghyun was _s__uspicious_ and that had to count for something. Minho had flicked his head and told him to stop being so annoying.

“You’re connecting nothing, Jonghyun.” Jinki replies, monotone and flipping a page. Monotone but still patronizing.

“I disagree. I just don’t think you guys have thought about it enough.” Jonghyun continues, tone matter of fact.

“You’re just looking for reasons to be suspicious, hyung.” Minho calls out and when Jonghyun looks at him, he’s smiling and his gaze is knowing.

Jonghyun frowns. “You guys seriously don’t think it’s weird how he has a new hair color every week? How his hair doesn’t look beyond fried? How is it so silky and smooth?!”

“Aw, you think his hair is silky?” Minho teases and he looks even prouder when it gains a laugh out of the ever wide eyed Taemin. Jonghyun shoots him a dirty look. Taemin shuts up.

Taemin and Kibum were relatively new friends to him, though not new to Minho or Jinki. Taemin was in his junior year of high school and being tutored by Minho for math, their families were apparently very close and they’ve known each other for years. Similarly, Kibum was the same age as Minho and their families have known each other since before they were born. Jonghyun had only ever heard stories of them from Minho, and then Jinki for a few months, before meeting them officially two months prior.

Jonghyun has known Jinki and Minho since high school, now all of them being in college. He wonders how he’s managed to never meet Kibum until recently, considering his and Minhos apparent closeness. Though Minho has never had much of an explanation to offer. Suspicious.

“Because it is!” Jonghyun insists, slamming his fist on the mattress for emphasis. He knows in the back of his head he shouldn’t be trying to look intimidating over whether Kibum's hair is silky or not and it seems his friends are aware of this fact, if the not so subtle glances they exchange are anything to go by.

“If you’re so concerned about his hair, why don’t you ask him yourself?” Jinki questions, glancing at him for a second with his eyebrow raised before looking back down to his book.

Jonghyun swallows and suddenly feels the heat of everyone’s gaze on him, embarrassment crawling up his neck. “I can't do that! I... I barely know him.” He concludes feebly. Which is a poor excuse because it’s a blatant lie, he and Kibum had quickly become so close that Jonghyun would place him right their with Jinki as his best friend.

“I don’t think Kibum will care if you ask him, hyung.” Taemin chimes in, voice soft.

“Hey... if I didn’t know any better I’d say you have a _ crush _.” Minho sing songs, waggling his eyebrows and it’s so irritating and absurd Jonghyun throws a pillow at him. It hits Taemin.

Jonghyun winces as Taemin glares at him from under his fringe. “Sorry Taemin.” He mumbles, Taemin only offering him a _ look _with a quirked lip. Jonghyun has no idea what that is supposed to mean.

He turns his attention to Minho, who is still smirking at him. “I don’t have a crush,” he rushes out, narrowing his eyes at Minho's growing smirk. When the smirk doesn’t let up, Jonghyun huffs at him. “Do your work, precious _ dongsaeng _.”

Minho barks out a little bit of a laugh, Taemin smiling up at him. “Yeah, yeah, _ hyung _.”

Minho gingerly takes the sheet of paper Taemin is now holding up to him, ever so gentle with a boy Jonghyun is sure doesn’t need gentleness or care. “I’m just saying, Kibum is Kibum. He does what he wants, it doesn’t matter that much.” And that’s all he gets before Minho starts to carefully analyze Taemin’s paper.

And okay, yea, maybe Minho is right. Maybe.

He just can’t help but wonder about Kibum and maybe he’s just a little perplexed that he’s the only one that feels that way. He was unsure what to make of Kibum when they first met, still is. He’s confident and unabashedly himself, all proud smiles and sharp angles. Jonghyun wants to figure him out more than anything. Every time they’ve met has left Jonghyun feeling a little more breathless and feeling a little more longing and it’s so foreign to him that he can’t help but _ think _ and _ pursue _. And it’s the fact that he feels so intrigued by Kibum that makes him so curious, makes his head spin with thoughts. He’s never had this much of an impact left on him by anyone and he doesn’t know how to process it.

But he’s sure it’s not a crush. He knows crushes, knows the almost feral feelings of infatuation. This can’t be that. And besides, he’s never had a crush on a boy before. Though he doesn’t think he would mind if he did, he just knows he is not equipped for a new experience of liking a boy. Especially a boy as colorful and loud as Kibum.

Jonghyun is left to his own thoughts, eyes glazing over and staring resolute at Jinkis ugly brown carpet. Unbeknownst to him, his friends are all watching him while sharing unabashed glances with each other. Jinki thinks they’re the ones onto something.

-

Kibum is loud.

He is not loud in a typical way, he does not shout and he does not make a lot of commotion. Though his laughs are larger than life and really more like cackles, he is not loud in that way.

He is loud in his confidence, in his piercing and calculating gaze, in his posture and the way he carries himself. You can feel his presence when he enters a room and there is never a moment when eyes are not on him. Jonghyun wonders if maybe he’s envious of Kibums ability to capture anyone with just one glance, and that’s why he’s so anxious to get to the bottom of the mystery that is Kibum. But the thought is absurd, for Jonghyun has never felt the need to call attention to himself. 

In fact, Kibum and he are almost complete opposites, he thinks. Where Kibum is confident and poised, Jonghyun is quiet and contemplative. He keeps to himself and prefers to observe before speaking, whereas Kibum has a tendency to be so brash and bold. Kibum is so analytical and at times it makes Jonghyun feel naked, as if Kibum is staring right down into his soul. It’s almost unnerving how intuitive Kibum is, how well he can see through people almost immediately.

It’s... interesting. Kibum is interesting. So very interesting and Jonghyun just wants to know /more/. Wants to know what goes through Kibum's head every moment, wants to know how Kibum thinks and perceives, he just... wants. It’s strange and so new to him. He really doesn’t know what to make of any of it. 

“A little birdie told me you're suspicious of my hair.” Kibum is suddenly in front of him, placing his bag very loudly on the table and on top of all of Jonghyun's papers. He’s being a bit too loud for a library but the little old ladies at the desk must like him too much to point it out.

Jonghyun is wide eyed for a moment, breathless, and it’s Kibum's small growing smirk that snaps him out of it. “Hey! Move your bag, those are my papers.”

“Don’t tell me your studying too? God, you’ll make me feel bad for neglecting my studies. I was counting on you to be the one other person not trying for exams.” Kibum laughs, reluctantly moving his bag from the table to the floor.

Jonghyun shrugs, finding himself at a loss of words. Kibum's hair is a bright red, it reminds him of pen ink. Or blood. This is a weird train of thoughts. What were they talking about?

Kibum's fingers are waving suddenly in his face. “Earth to Jjong.”

“What?” Jonghyun says, blinking and feeling like his mouth is full of cotton.

“You’re zoning out.” Kibum responds, gaze questioning. “So?”

Jonghyun looks at him, Kibum looks back as if he’s expecting something. “So?” Jonghyun mimics.

“_ So _, a little birdie told me you’re suspicious of my hair.” Kibum repeats, and his smirk is so obvious. There’s a flash of sharp teeth, his face curving into that familiar predatory amusement. It’s really pretty. Wait.

Jonghyun blinks before cursing, damn Choi Minho. He truly can’t keep his mouth shut. “Does that little birdie have a too small head and a too fat mouth?” Jonghyun asks, his voice flat and his gaze annoyed.

Kibum laughs and shakes his head. “No, actually. That little birdie has little sense of direction and a rambling mouth. But it’s nice to know you’re talking about me to multiple people.”

Jonghyun blinks, he’s never felt so betrayed. “Jinki hyung?”

Kibum offers him a nod. “You know you can always ask me whatever, it’s just hair. I don’t care that much.”

“Yeah, Taemin said the same thing. But he’s like, twelve, what does he know?” Jonghyun says, rolling his eyes.

The glint in Kibum's eyes is a little too knowing for Jonghyun's comfort. Kibum leans forward a bit, running a hand through his hair. Jonghyun thinks it might be on purpose. It’s really attractive. Jonghyun frowns, his brain is starting to betray him too.

“There’s nothing going on with my hair, Jjong. What were you thinking? I just like to switch things up sometimes. I get bored otherwise.”

Jonghyun splutters, shrugging awkwardly and wondering why he feels so embarrassed. He’s never felt like this around Kibum. “I don’t know. Just thought it was weird, s’all. Does it not hurt your scalp? Your hair always looks so silky.”

Kibum raises a perfectly shaped brow, a smile in the corners of his lips. “I’ve never had any trouble. Guess my hair genes are strong. Why, do you think they look weird?” And it’s the little pout that gets to Jonghyun's heart.

“No!” He rushes out, the word leaving him feeling awkward and frenzied. “Not at all. In fact, I think they all look good on you. Really good. You suit colors, I don’t know how you pull everything off so well. I know I couldn’t.” And Jonghyun knows he’s rambling but he just can’t seem to stop the stream of dumb, stupid words out of his loose mouth.

The pout on Kibum's lips is replaced so quickly by a smirk that is so flirty around the edges that Jonghyun doesn’t know what to do besides let himself be consumed by heat. He’s suddenly so acutely aware of Kibums knees against his under the table and the way Kibums shirt is slipping a bit off his shoulder and how thin and gentle Kibums fingers are and... what the fuck is he thinking. He wants to stop thinking but he can’t, it’s like a switch has been turned on in his brain and suddenly he knows too much.

“Um.” Jonghyun stutters our, ever one for words.

“Um?” Kibum repeats, his tone is too teasing. Jonghyun is at a loss.

“I like red.” 

Kibum laughs, that same cackle that’s so endearing. “So very eloquent, Jjong. I like red, too. Taeminnie helped me pick out this color, maybe you can help me pick out my next one.”

And Jonghyun likes that, he likes that idea a lot. Maybe a bit too much. He can’t help how he perks up in his seat and nods a little too eagerly. Something about Kibum wearing a color that _ he _ picked makes his heart feel full and satisfied.

Jonghyun feels lost the rest of the hour, Kibum acting so normal but... Not. There’s an edge to all his words and all his movements, his gaze is too knowing and too confident. If Kibum was a girl Jonghyun would think they were flirting, but Kibum was not a girl. Does that mean they were still flirting? Jonghyun was starting to get increasingly unsure about anything and everything.

It’s later that Kibum checks his phone and with a disappointed sigh, mentions that he has to go for a class. He gathers his things and makes to leave, but not before reaching over and squeezing Jonghyun's shoulder, hand lingering just so. Jonghyun is left with his head in the clouds, his shoulder pulsing with the reminder of Kibum's touch and just the barest whiff of his cologne.

Jonghyun is so lost.

-

“Jinki.” Jonghyun begins and his voice must be serious enough because Jinki tears his attention away from his books and is focused entirely on Jonghyun, brows worried and gaze questioning.

Jonghyun breathes in a steady inhale, how does he put this? “Jinki. I think I like boys.”

He honestly shouldn’t even be telling Jinki this, considering how Jinki had betrayed him earlier. But looking at his hyungs honest and kind face, he knows he trusts no one else so much like he does his closest friend.

To his credit, Jinki doesn’t look shocked in the slightest. Not even very phased, it both gives Jonghyun confidence and makes him feel vulnerable. He frowns a bit more, glancing away a second before making eye contact again. “I see.” He finally says and Jonghyun is about to cry out _ is that it? _ before Jinki continues. “What brought this on?”

Jonghyun feels his face heat up and he must be so red because Jinki _ notices _. How does he say this? That Kibum, their mutual good friend, is his gay awakening? He’s not sure if he can even say the words. Not sure he wants to.

He shrugs, trying to find confidence in the floorboards beneath his feet. “U-um. Promise you won’t judge me for what I’m about to say?” 

A look of incredulity passes over Jinkis face. “Jonghyun,” his tone is so firm and deadpan, but Jonghyun's legs still shake in anxiety. “After all we’ve been through, there is zero way I could judge you for anything.”

Okay, maybe he has a point there. Jonghyun also doesn’t think it’s very in Jinkis nature to be judgmental, at least not to the degree Jonghyun is dreading.

“Um. Okay.” Jonghyun inhales slowly. “I think I like Kibum.” He exhales it all in one single breath. He’s not sure if Jinki caught it, kinda hopes he didn’t.

“Huh?” Jinki asks, nonverbally asking him to repeat himself. Jonghyun is gonna die.

He sighs sharply and Jinki looks just a little guilty, but really more curious. “I... Jinki, I think I like Kibum.” He finishes, enunciating the words slowly. By the end of it, his mouth and gut is tight with anxiety and apprehension, form tense as his hands squeeze his knees.

“Oh, that’s it? Jonghyun, you didn’t have to tell me that. Even I knew.” Jinki says, smiling kindly before turning back to his books.

“Oh? Oh?! Hyung, did you hear what I just said? Hyung!” Jonghyun cries out, and his panicked words grab Jinkis attention again. He looks more shocked at Jonghyun's outburst than anything Jonghyun said moments prior.

“You like Kibum? I don’t understand, what’s wrong?” And oh, his hyung is so pure.

“Jinki. I _ like Kibum _.” Jonghyun repeats, even slower and staring earnestly into Jinkis eyes.

“I heard you the first time? Jonghyun, I’m onfused. What am I supposed to say?” Jinki asks, head cocked and voice questioning.

“Well, I don’t know! I guess I just expected you to be a little more shocked that I like our mutual, close friend that we both know? That I like Kibum of all people? That I like boys?” Jonghyun lists out, and he feels less anxious and more betrayed.

Jinki looks awkward and unsure, bless his heart. “Well, um. I’m really proud of you and I love you still no matter what, so don’t worry about that. But I don’t think liking Kibum is really that big of a deal.” Jinki laughs nervously.

And okay, though Jonghyun really does appreciate the first half of the sentence and can feel some of the pressure in his gut ease up, he’s still reeling. “What do you mean it’s not a big deal? It’s Kibum! And what do you mean you already knew?”

“I don’t know? We all did?” And Jinkis eyes turn panicked, as if he had just said something maybe he shouldn’t have. “You’ve been looking at him like he hung the moon for the past few months, what else were we supposed to think? And you never shut up about him... I don’t know, Jonghyun. It’s okay, Kibum’s a pretty cool guy. He’s nice and he always helps me with my English.” Jinki laughs nervously and he’s rambling and Jonghyun wants to hit him.

“Well, what do I do?” Jonghyun prods, huffing.

“Huh?”

“About Kibum? My crush?” Jonghyun elaborates.

“Ah... what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” Jonghyun shrugs, truly at a loss. 

Jinki smiles, so sweet and kind. Maybe Jonghyun should like Jinki instead. No, that would be weird. “I don’t really think this is for me to figure out, Jonghyun-ah.”

Jonghyun looks at him. “Well, I don’t want it to be for _ me _to figure out.”

Jinki laughs gently but his eyes still hold a degree of seriousness, a degree of wisdom to them. “The solution isn’t going to just offer itself up to you, we are meant to make our own choices, our own destiny.

Jonghyun sniffs and mulls over the words. He wished they helped more, wished he could take them more seriously. “This is stupid.” He pouts

Jinki just laughs again.

-

With the epiphany of Jonghyuns very homosexual attraction to Kibum came the realization of all of Kibums positive characteristics. 

There’s things Jonghyun had already known about Kibum, but the crush had started to make those things seem pretty damn amazing. He was clever and witty, impish at times. He had a quick mouth and there was always a well timed comeback on the edge of his tongue and Jonghyun just didn’t know how to keep up. He was very relaxed and easy going, kind and understanding, Jonghyun was finding just how easy it was for him to talk to Kibum, realizing just how well they fit together.

Jonghyun starts to feel like a bit of a school girl, gushing over anything and everything Kibum, but he can’t help it. Doesn't think the twist in his gut and the way his heart beat faster anytime Kibum came near him could be helped. It also doesn’t help how not only Jinki knows of Jonghyuns very sudden homosexual awareness, both Taemin and Minho know too. The teasing glances and suggestive words really don’t help, he can’t even imagine what Minho could be telling Kibum about him.

Jonghyun truly doesn’t know what to do. He feels so out of his depth it isn’t even funny, though Minho would very much disagree. Realistically, Jonghyun knows the next course of action would be to ask Kibum out. And if Kibum was a girl, Jonghyun would have already, but Kibum was not a girl. Kibum was Kibum and Jonghyun feared his rejection more than he feared anything. He couldn’t stand to lose Kibum as a fixture in his life, and though they have only really started to get close, Jonghyun likes having him as his friend. Having Kibum in his life in some way is more important to him than having him be his, as much as his heart disagrees. 

And so it stood, he did not know what to do. Or really even how to act. Crushes were stupid. Kibum was stupid. All of this was stupid.

It’s as if every waking moment was filled with Kibum and this stupid crush, he just couldn’t stop thinking about how gorgeous Kibum was, how slim and tall and pretty he was. How Jonghyun would do anything to hear his laugh, to hear his voice, to see his face light up in amusement or fold in annoyance. He really, really liked Kibum and that knowledge was becoming increasingly distressing.

He was very much not equipped for the new experience of liking a boy. Hes especially not equipped for liking Kibum of all people. Or maybe he’s just not equipped for liking someone _ this _ much, liking someone so much that they’re all you think about. What the fuck is that even about? How does any responsible human deal with this?

It sucks even more that exam week was still coming up and though Jonghyun tries to study, his thoughts are only occupied by Kibum.

“You look like you just shit yourself, are you okay?”

Minho and him are walking to Jinki and his shared dorm after class, and Jonghyun is lost deep in thought. All he’s been doing is making noncommittal hums to everything Minhos said, not truly fully listening.

“Oh, wow, look it’s Kibum!” Minho suddenly blurts out, making exaggerated pointed motions at some few steps in front of them. Or, air.

Jonghyun, like the naive fool he is, only hears “Kibum” and promptly loses it. “What? Where? Does my hair look stupid?”

Minho only slaps him upside the head, quite hard. Jonghyun is left rubbing at his head, only now realizing Kibum is, in fact, not anywhere near them and he’s an idiot. The embarrassment licking at his neck only intensifies under Minho's deadpan stare, palms becoming sticky with sweat and heart pounding.

“I don’t understand why you don’t just ask him out, get it over with. This is agonizing for us all.” Minho comments, thumbing at his bag straps idly.

“Because it’s Kibum!” Jonghyun responds, voice raised. Maybe he shouldn’t be so loud, he’s half expecting Kibum to jump out of nowhere and tell him he’s ugly and short.

“Yeah? It’s Kibum? Is it really that big of a deal? I can bring down his sexy illusion with some stories if you want.” Minho offers, shrugging. Jonghyun doesn’t doubt that Minho most likely holds an arsenal of embarrassing Kibum stories, but Jonghyun is still more concerned about the whole crush situation.

“Of course it’s a big deal, Minho! I didn’t even know I liked boys before now!” He continues. And okay, maybe he’s a little more than peeved at everyone’s flippant reactions. Maybe it’s not a big deal to them but it’s a big deal to _ him _ and he really doesn’t know what to do.

Minho looks sideways at him, eyes thoughtful. “Okay. I get it, I’m sorry. It’s just feels like you’re torturing yourself here a bit.”

Jonghyun can only shrug. “I just... I feel like I’m completely out of my depth here. He’s so incredible? It’s hard to believe he’s real and willingly talks to me.”

It’s all very overwhelming, the sudden realization of just how amazing Kibum is. That Kibum even gives him the time of day and, even more, that Jonghyun has such a galaxy sized crush. That Jonghyun is just now realizing he has such a galaxy sized crush on _ Kibum _. It’s a lot for him to process.

Minho is watching him and though his features are schooled into obvious teasing disgust, his eyes are light with fondness. Jonghyun ducks his head down in embarrassment. “I think you’re overthinking it. And for what it’s worth, I think Kibum likes you too.”

The idea is so absurd yet it has his cheeks warming, his lips twitching in a smile, and his chest tightening in hope. Regardless, there’s no way. “I don’t know how he could, I’m a bit of a mess.”

“More than a bit.” Minho retorts, laughing. Jonghyun bumps his shoulder with his own, frowning. He’s not supposed to agree.

“Jokes aside, it’ll do you more good in the long run to just ask him out. Trust me. But if you’re still processing, I understand. Just try to keep a little focused, it is exam week.” His voice in nonchalant and Jonghyun hates him for being so wise. Minho has an annoying habit of being right most, if not all, of the time.

And so, Jonghyun is left to nod and ponder over his words.

-

_ It _, as he has dramatically dubbed it in his head, happens two days later.

He thinks he’s done processing the fact that he likes boys, as well as girls. But he wonders if maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing, for he’s never really _ liked _ anyone, so what was the issue? He was still a little lost on the matter.

It’s when he and Kibum are in a cafe, Kibum asking him there under the pretense of a study date, that_ it _happens. The word date had made blood rush to Jonghyun's ears and he knew his smile was ridiculous and too telling when he replied “of course”. He’s felt giddy the entire time, really just excited to be with Kibum and be the center of Kibum's attention, his sole focus. He’s almost tripping over his words to impress him, to keep up, and Kibum just smiles so beautifully the entire time.

Jonghyun is completely unsure of what they’re discussing, dreamily nodding along to whatever leaves Kibum's mouth, when a stranger approaches the table.

Jonghyun is sure he’s a stranger to both of them, Kibums gaze is questioning but his shoulders are tense. Jonghyun immediately does not take kindly to the stranger’s presence, dislikes the way Kibum completely rips all his focus away from him and towards this stranger. He starts to feel like some awkward third wheel as the stranger places his hand suggestively on Kibum's shoulder and says something along the lines of wanting Kibum's number. Jonghyun is having trouble listening, pouting at the table with his eyes downcast.

He’s so lost in his self pity of _ losing Kibum’s attention _ that he doesn’t notice the stranger leave. Only blinking back into awareness when Kibum’s waving his hand in his face again, one unimpressed brow raised.

“What?” Jonghyun responds unintelligently.

“You were blanking out. You’ve been doing that a lot lately, are you okay?” Kibum asks, his brows drawn in worry. Jonghyun's heart squeezes in both fondness and anxiety, because _ Kibum worries about him _ but also _ holy shit what if he catches onto the fact that I like him _.

“What? Oh. No. Um. I'm okay.” Jonghyun responds, stumbling over the words. God, why is he so embarrassing? Now Kibum will know something is up. 

“So,” he’s desperate to change the subject. “Who was that?”

Kibum seems to stare at him a bit longer than necessary, eyes roaming over his face before answering. “No idea. He said he was in one of my classes or something. He wanted my number.” Hes shrugging at the end of the sentence, so nonchalant and wholly uncaring.

Jonghyun licks his lips nervously, he feels irrationally jealous when he really shouldn’t. Kibum didn’t even know who the guy was, whereas he and Jonghyun are fairly close. He supposes he’s jealous of the fact that the stranger had the ability to put himself out like that and ask someone as intimidating as Kibum out. 

“Huh. He was cute.”

Shit. That was so stupid. Jonghyun is so stupid. Kibum raises an eyebrow at him over the rim of his cup, he takes a few sips before setting it back down. Jonghyun is extremely unnerved by his staring, beginning to sweat uncontrollably.

“Cute? Didn’t know you liked boys, Jjong.” Kibum says finally, his tone almost knowing but mostly intrigued and suspicious.

_ Me neither _ he thinks, willing himself to not say anymore dumb shit. He’s eternally grateful Minho isn’t here. “Yeah. Well.” Is all he can mutter, looking off to the side and rubbing his neck.

When he looks back, Kibum is leaning back in his seat, arms folded, and his gaze considering as he looks at Jonghyun. Jonghyun is acutely aware of how dangerous that gaze is. Finally, Kibum smiles. It’s not like his bright and lively ones, it’s small and subdued but it’s better than his cutting gaze.

“So, what? You want his number?” Kibum asks, resting his head on his hand.

Unfortunately, Jonghyun was nervously drinking his coffee at the moment those words were uttered. He inhales too abruptly, eyes going large as he begins to cough, trying his best not to spit out the beverage. As he hacks out his lungs he waves his hands frantically. “No. God, no.” He finally spits out, throat still caught.

Kibum is laughing, his dimples flashing and it’s so cute that Jonghyun coughs even more. His heart is stuck in his throat and his skin is alight with so much fondness. “Not that cute?” Kibum asks, the words so teasing.

Jonghyun merely nods, _ not you _ he thinks.

-

The event in the cafe had him thinking. Which was never good, as Minho had so nicely put way too many times.

Jonghyun was very aware of how gorgeous and attractive Kibum truly was, the issue was he now knows he can’t be the only one who notices. It had occurred to him that there is no plausible way that he’s the only one interested in Kibum.

He’s not quite sure what exactly to do with this information. A part of his brain urges him that this means he must ask Kibum out before someone else gets to him, but the other part cowers in fear. 

Kibum is graceful and confident and beautiful and so good and kind, Jonghyun is just Jonghyun. Kibum could have anyone he wanted, why would he want Jonghyun? The thought leaves him sadder than he thought possible, but he can’t help it. He yearns so bad to be with Kibum, wants so bad to belong to each other. But a confession would be suicidal and he worries Kibum would _ especially _ want nothing to do with him if he did confess.

If Jinki notices him moping around their shared dorm, quietly lost in thought more than usual, he doesn’t say anything. Only offers him kind smiles and supportive pats on the shoulder. Jonghyun is eternally grateful for Jinkis presence.

-

Funnily enough, it’s Taemin who makes Jonghyun get it together and realize he needs to do _ something _. If not at the very least do give himself some peace of mind.

He’s moping on the couch when there’s a sharp and urgent knock at the door. Jinki takes one look at him before placing his phone down and walking over to answer it.

He distantly hears the door open carefully and then a surprised but still pleased “Oh? Hi, Taemin!” but his depressing thoughts are drowning noise out.

He’s staring at the ceiling when he hears two pairs of urgent footsteps approach and suddenly he’s shoved onto the floor.

“Ow,” he’s rubbing at his head, looking up to see Taemin standing over him, looking uncharacteristically intimidating and Jinki right next to him. Jinki looks just as shocked as Jonghyun feels, eyes wide and glancing between the two. “What the hell, Taemin!?”

“Hyung.” The word is both firm and whiny, completely ignoring Jonghyun's pain and the fact that he just shoved that hyung onto the floor. “When are you going to ask Kibum-hyung out?”

Jonghyun stops rubbing at his head, feels a familiar heat wash over him. “Um.” Is all he can say. Why can he never say more than that?

Taemin looks just as unimpressed as Jonghyun feels with that word. “Hyung, he’s not gonna wait forever, you know.”

The words make him double take. Kibum? Waiting? For what? Him? There’s no way. “Huh?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, reaching a hand down to help Jonghyun up. One Jonghyun reluctantly takes. They flop onto the couch, Taemin more relaxed as he melts into it while Jonghyun sits perched on the edge. He feels suddenly very alert, way too alert. He waits for Taemin to elaborate, watching him dig into the chips that were once Jinki’s, and when he doesn’t he taps at Taemin's knee.

Taemin looks up from the snack, his gaze questioning and Jonghyun can’t help but roll his eyes. “Why are you here?”

Taemin pouts. “That’s kind of mean, hyung.”

“You’re always welcome here, Taemin-ah.” Jinki calls out from his chair, phone in hand and smiling that familiar too kind smile.

“Except when you shove one of your beloved hyungs off their couch.” Jonghyun frowns, flicking Taemin sharply in the knee.

Taemin has the grace to look a little ashamed though still persists. “Not my fault you’re so light...” he seemingly intended to mumble, but Jonghyun hears and just flicks his knee again.

“I’m here to talk some sense into you.” Taemin finally elaborates, words muffled by the crunch of his chips.

“You’re not doing a very good job.” Jonghyun wrinkles his nose in disgust, sighing then when realizing he really needs Taemin to reiterate. “About what?”

“Your feelings for Kibum-hyung.” He says simply, sweet and mischievous all at once. Jonghyun waits for him to continue, but he _ doesn’t _.

The words and Kibum’s name make him flush, the heat he’s become accustomed to crawling up his neck, but mostly he’s just annoyed at Taemin's incapability of saying what Jonghyun wants him to say.

“Can you speak? What are you talking about? What did you mean when you said Kibum wasn’t going to wait forever?” Jonghyun says in one breath, trying to pry for more information. Taemin merely stares at him.

“Exactly that, hyung. Kibum-hyung isn’t gonna wait forever for you to ask him out.” And again, it’s said so simply when the words are anything but. Jonghyun's patience is starting to wear extremely thin.

When Taemin notices his distress, he continues. “Come on, hyung. Are you really this blind? Kibum-hyung likes you a lot.”

Jonghyun scoffs and looks to the floor, he will not allow his heart to jump to conclusions and his brain to reel. “How would you know?”

Taemin kicks his feet up onto the couch, invading Jonghyun's personal space completely. “Kibum-hyung tells me everything.” Jonghyun wishes he would stop saying everything like that, like it’s all so simple. Like it’s all two plus two.

Jonghyun makes an unsure face, quirking his lips and brows. “I thought he told Minho everything.”

Taemin smiles angelically, shrugging. “He tells Minho-hyung almost everything.”

The events occurring are making Jonghyun panic even more. He hates how calm and collected Taemin is, how Jinki watches over them with only mindful curiosity, all while Jonghyun feels like his heart is gonna beat out of his chest. This feels like it should be treated more dramatically, Jonghyun _ feels _ dramatic.

“So?” Taemin interrupts him out of his destructive thoughts. “You need to get a move on, hyung. He really won’t wait forever, he deserves better than that.”

Its true, but Kibum deserves _ so much _. Jonghyun doesn’t know what to do. “He deserves better than me.”

“I’ll shove you off the couch again.” Taemin merely responds, voice hard with warning and his face disgruntled. “I’m not playing the self deprecating game.”

Jonghyun flicks him and Taemin mumbles a small _ hyung _. 

Sighing, Jonghyun starts. “It’s not like that. Kibum is just... amazing. He’s so vibrant and lovely and he deserves someone equally as incredible.”

He expects Taemin to pull a disgusted face, appalled by the mushiness but instead he stares. He looks so grown in that moment, eyes thoughtful and mature and Jonghyun's heart folds.

“You’re incredible too, hyung. Your presence alone can calm anyone, you’re kind and attentive. You sell yourself too short.” The words make Jonghyun bashful, shrugging his shoulders and looking away. “And _ besides _ , Kibum-hyung doesn’t want just _ someone _ incredible, he wants you. Incredible Jonghyun.”

The words are sweet and Jonghyun feels the urge to hug him, and he would, if not for the way the words still make him shake in anxiety. All that runs through his head is the possibility that Kibum likes him back, and how he can even begin to address it.

It seems as if Jinki sees his inner turmoil, calling out from his chair, “Jonghyun-ah, don’t think about it too much. Just do what you think is right.”

The words are more calming than would be expected, considering how simple they are. They offer no true advice but coming from his hyungs mouth, they mean the world.

“What if he’s not really into me? Or what if he’s already moved on?” Jonghyun anxiously laments, making desperate eye contact with Taemin. Taemin, who is still so calm, who is still thoughtfully staring at him.

“I wouldn’t lie to you, hyung.” He smiles. “And even if he does reject you, which he won’t, you at least owe this to yourself. You’re driving yourself crazy.”

Jonghyun huffs, nodding. But he’s still so unsure. “I’ll think about it.”

“No way!” Taemin says, raising his voice. “Sorry, hyung, but you’ve had enough time to think. It’s now or never. Seriously.”

Jonghyun can’t help but laugh, watching the way Taemin speaks so seriously and how his lips pucker. He’s like a little duck. Jonghyun clears his thoughts and nods, he wishes the nod was more sure. He can’t help but be apprehensive.

“I’ll... I’ll try.” He says finally, picking at the couch and shrugging.

“Okay, and this time with more confidence.” He hears, looking up to see Taemin with a small smile and eyes light with mischief.

“I’ll try.” Jonghyun repeats, humoring him with a teasing tone.

“That’s all I wanted to hear. You really better do something, it’s been exhausting listening to both you and Kibum-hyung complaining.” Taemin says, his determined tone dropped.

Jonghyun feels the heat of embarrassment flood through him and he can’t help the squeeze of fondness he feels thinking about Kibum talking of him and thinking of him in the same way he has been. When he looks over, he sees Jinki nodding and now he just feels a little called out.

“Hey! What else was I supposed to do?” He responds, in an effort to defend his honor.

“Not torture our ears while you wax poetry about his long legs and luscious lips?” Taemin suggests, letting a disgusted shiver run through him. Jonghyun is tempted to push him off the couch to sate his embarrassment.

“Hey, if I knew Taemin’s words were such a good Jonghyun motivator, I would’ve called him over here to tell Jonghyun to do the dishes a long time ago.” Jinki chimes in, the words ring a little too true but they’re riddled with smiles.

“No, hyung. This is a special occasion, I charge for my motivational words most of the time.” Taemin corrects, matter of fact. It makes them all laugh and suddenly Jonghyun feels like he can breathe for a moment.

-

A hand claps him too roughly on the shoulder, jostling him and almost making him stumble. “So, it’s the big day, huh?” Minho smiles brightly and energetically down at him.

“You’re acting like it’s my wedding day.” Jonghyun mumbled, already knowing what he was referring to and having no doubt that Taemin or Jinki or both told him all about their talk.

Minho offers him a shrug, grinning. “I mean, might as well be. You’ve both been obsessing over each other for so long and it’s all coming together today. Don’t tell him I told you that.” Minho ends the last sentence uncharacteristically grave, as if something bad really will happen to him if Kibum found out he told his secrets.

The words would send heats of affection and embarrassment through him on a usual day, but this was not a usual day. This was _ the _ day and he was going to throw up.

“I’m gonna die.” He says, completely serious.

Minho laughs loudly, throwing a content arm around his shoulder. But Jonghyun is much shorter than him, and it is very uncomfortable. “Of fun, right? That’s my hyung! Me too, I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.”

Jonghyun can’t help but roll his eyes at the hard pats Minho gives him. “Why are you so noisy today?”

“I’m happy!” Minho defends, face expressive and tone raised.

Jonghyun almost sneers, but catches himself. “It hasn’t even happened yet!”

Minho gives him another shrug. “I can be happy whenever I want.”

Jonghyun sighs, rolling his eyes and taking Minho's arm off his shoulders. “What do you even want, anyways?”

“To support you in your time of need? You looked like you were gonna shit your pants or throw up or both. And see, now you only look like you wanna hit me! I'm helping!” Minho insists, flashing that familiar boyish and charismatic grin.

“I really don’t need nor want your help, Minho.” Jonghyun responds.

Okay, maybe he’s being touchy. But he has a lot of emotions going through him and he doesn’t know what to do with them or where to put them or what the fuck he’s even doing.

Minho ignores him, soldiering on. “So, what are you giving him?”

Jonghyun double takes. Give him? “Um. My heart?” He answers apprehensively, extremely unsure.

Minho raises an eyebrow at him, a smirk tugging at his lips. “Yeah, but I meant besides that.”

“Um.” Jonghyun's mind short circuits.

Minho raises his eyebrows in shock. “You didn’t get him anything? Nothing? Flowers? Candy?”

Jonghyun is sweating uncontrollably and maybe Minho was onto something earlier because _ he is going to shit himself _ “Was I supposed to?”

Minho makes a surprised and thoughtful face, puckering his lips in consideration for a moment as he raised his eyebrows again. “Wow. I mean, I guess not. But I would’ve gotten something. You know, to win them over a little more and show your boyfriend abilities.”

Jonghyun is too busy panicking to think _ what boyfriend abilities does Choi Minho have _. All he can think is how Minho is the attractive and charming one, he must know how to do it and how he has literally nothing to show or prove. Kibum is gonna hate him. Kibum would love a gift, how could he be so thoughtless?

“Oh my god, Minho, help me! What do I do?” Jonghyun pleads, grabbing at his hair.

Minho looks a little shocked and off put but Jonghyun doesn’t _ care _ . This needs to be _ perfect _ , Kibum only deserves _ perfect _.

“Hyung, it’s not a huge deal. He won’t care or probably even notice.” Minho attempts to reassure.

Jonghyun cannot and will not listen. “No, this needs to be perfect! What am I gonna do?! We’re supposed to meet in an hour! Do I have time?”

“Time for what?” Jinki pokes his head in, features questioning.

“Hey, hyung.” And “Not the time.” Are both heard. It only leaves Jinki more curious as he shuffled into Jonghyun's room some more.

“What’s going on?” He prods, looking from Jonghyun's steadily disheveling form to Minhos confused and panicked one.

“I don’t have a gift for Kibum!” Jonghyun exclaims, beginning to pace. 

It makes Jinki frown. “Gift? Why would Kibum need a gift? I thought his birthday was a few months ago...?”

Jonghyun wants to laugh and cry but he settles for walking over to Jinki and flicking his forehead. Jinki only blinks a few times.

“I might have messed up.” Minho mumbles to Jinki but Jonghyun cannot hear anything but his brain screaming.

“Minho said he would’ve gotten Kibum a gift and he knows Kibum best and I didn’t get a gift and now Kibum will hate me and reject me and call me short and _ laugh _at me. Do you think I have time to get a gift really quick?” Jonghyun rants, hyperventilating.

“I think you messed up.” Jinki mumbles back to Minho, watching Jonghyun’s hysterics with barely veiled worry.

Jonghyun is walking back and forth and all Minho and Jinki can do is watch, it seems he is running various thoughts through his head in a frenzy. He finally stops and stares at Jinki. “Jinki-hyung! Why do we have no fucking money?!”

Jinki blinks once, twice, before offering him the reason “Bills and taxes.” They are, after all, struggling college students.

“Not good enough.” Jonghyun growls.

Jinki thinks maybe it’s time to step in.

“Jonghyun, you need to calm down. Lay down and chill. Kibum likes _ you _, not material goods. It’ll be okay.” Jinki says, his voice familiar and soothing to Jonghyun's ears.

Jonghyun exhales heavily, as if all his stress was coming out in one breath. “I’m just scared.”

Jinki offers a smile. “I know. But you don’t need to be, it’ll be okay.”

“What if it won’t be?” Jonghyun whispers.

Jinki knows it’s a silly thought, but he also knows Jonghyun really is scared shitless and needs support. “You’ll always have me.”

Jonghyuns head is hung but they can hear him mutter, “Thats pretty gay.”

Jinki merely smiles. “Almost as gay as you asking us about Kibums silky hair.”

Jonghyun makes sudden and disgruntled eye contact with him, lifting his chin in a flash. “It wasn’t like that!”

“Okay, hyung.” Minho cuts in.

Jonghyun really just can’t trust any of his friends. He shakes his head and smiles, feeling some worry and stress dissipate in their presence and words. Ultimately, though, it’s with crushing anxiety that he remembers he has a whole hour until he meets with Kibum. He can only hope it goes well.

-

Kibum comes into the cafe in typical Kibum fashion, plopping down loudly at their table and placing his school bag down.

He takes a look at Jonghyun, the way he’s slightly hunched over and seems to be just barely shaking. “Am I late or are you early?”

“Um.” Is all Jonghyun can say. Ah, his wonderful catchphrase.

“I’m kidding.” Kibum smiles then, and it dissolves more of Jonghyun's stress.

“Yeah.” He nervously smiles back, looking everywhere but at Kibum.

Kibum watches him silently for a few moments, taking in the awkward and tense atmosphere and waiting for Jonghyun to maybe say something. Jonghyun is not sure he can say anything.

“Have you ordered?” Kibum asks, trying in vain to smooth over the tense silence.

Jonghyun startles as if he forgot Kibum was there, and maybe he did, his eyes are so wide. “Ah. Um. No.”

Kibum frowns, worried wrinkles appearing between his brows. “Okay, I’m gonna go order. Do you want something?”

On one hand, a drink to distract him from his nerves would be nice. On the other, he’s not sure he’s capable of consuming anything right now, his stomach only having room for his anxiety and nothing more. He shakes his head quickly, realizing he hasn’t answered for more than a few seconds. He’s still not looking Kibum in the eye.

“Oh... Kay.” Kibum drawls out. “I hope you’ll be ready to talk to me about whatever it is making you into a brick wall when I get back.” His voice is firm and promising, Jonghyun is gonna puke.

It’s in this moment that Jonghyun thinks, maybe he should’ve prepared something to say. Maybe should’ve thought about what his words would be other than “You’re so pretty and nice let’s date”. Maybe he shouldn’t have been such a dumbass. Maybe he shouldn’t have looked for every reason to stare at Kibum in the beginning of this all, for a reason to be curious about him. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe Jonghyun is an absolute mess who is gonna disintegrate right at this cafe table.

“Hey.” Kibum greets dragging a hand over Jonghyun's shoulder as he passes by to get to his seat and Jonghyun has to suppress a shiver. Kibum has no idea what his touch alone does to him.

“Hi.” Jonghyun responds, his voice small and shaky.

Kibum takes his seat, sliding in so elegantly and sitting so poised and graceful. He sits down and then just stares. His gaze is so analytical, so scrutinizing and questioning. He looks at Jonghyun as if he’s waiting, as if he’s expecting something. 

Jonghyun stares back, wide eyed and pale as can be. He can feel his whole body becoming clammy and he’s about to start shivering in freezing anxiety. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, reminiscent of a fish out of water as he searches for the words Kibum waits for. But he just can’t do it.

Kibum's eyebrows furrow and his gaze slides from cutting expectancy to worry and empathy. He must see Jonghyun's struggle.

“Are you okay, Jjong? I’ve been really worried about you lately. You haven’t been acting quite yourself.” He speaks in low tones, gentle and sweet. Almost as if he’s comforting a scared animal.

He doesn’t really know how to respond. Is this the moment? Should he confess now? Is this it? He’s not sure he’s ready, he’s not even sure he can get the words out. He repeated the words”Kibum I like you” over and over again in his head and it’s _ fine _ but it’s the thought of saying those words out loud, applying them to a real life situation with real life Kibum that makes him want to curl up and cry. He can’t do this, not yet. He’s not ready.

“Jjong?” Kibum's head is tilted and he looks like he wants to reach a hand out.

“I’m okay. I- um. Have just been really stressed lately.” He scrambles the words out, and they sound suspicious to even his own ears.

Kibum makes an understanding noise and Jonghyun foolishly hopes that’ll be the end of it. “What are you stressed about? Is everything okay?”

“Oh. Yeah, it’s fine. Just. Um. My thoughts.” He stutters our and he kind of regrets the last words because now Kibum is gonna ask more and he really doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“What kind of thoughts?” Kibum asks, voice still so gentle and eyes still so kind. Jonghyun kind of wants to kiss him.

Jonghyun is silent, unsure of what to say. He wants to say something so badly, wants to wipe that little wrinkle away from his worried brows. It hurts to not say something, but the thought of saying what he needs to say hurts even more. He can feel the anxiety stabbing at his chest and he thinks maybe that hurts the worst.

“Just. Thinking.” Jonghyun replies, scratching nervously at his neck.

Kibum hums. “Are you gonna tell me? You’ve been really distant with me.” He sounds a little sad at the end and Jonghyun's heart clenches to the point he may suffocate.

Jonghyun wants to say it, needs to say it, should say it, but he can’t. It’s on the tip of his tongue but when he attempts to speak, his voice won’t work. He just can’t.

“Don’t worry, Kibum. I'm just figuring out some stuff. I'll be back to normal soon.” Jonghyun replies after some time. He won’t be, not until he tells Kibum the truth. Jonghyun wonders if Kibum knows this, too.

Kibum looks skeptical and just a little bit sad, Jonghyun notices how his form has slowly deflated in disappointment just slightly. Jonghyun feels like such a fuckup. And when Kibum forcibly perks up and smiles, dull and contemplating, Jonghyun feels like even more of a fuck up.

“Okay, Jjong. Just... can you stop spacing out so much with me? It feels like we’re acquaintances again.” He laughs at the end but Jonghyun can feel the hollowness in it, can hear the ring of truth in it. He’s been so awful.

He’s been so awful and how can Kibum even want to look at him when he’s been so awful. How can he think to be Kibum's boyfriend when he’s such a shitty friend. The train of thought further distract him from telling Kibum how much he likes him, reinforces how not ready he is.

Jonghyun wants to repair the damage he’s done, knows how much Kibum deserves him to be a true friend. And so, he pushes the anxiety and thoughts down, smiles widely and nods.

He thinks maybe he’s imagining the blush that appears on Kibum's cheeks the longer they talk.

-

Jonghyun is a defeated man. He feels like he’s glowing with how pleased he was with spending such an amazing time with Kibum, a small smile still on his face, but the weight of his failure to confess sits in his stomach and he feels like the biggest loser.

He’s sitting alone watching TV when Jinki comes home, hanging his head and kicking off his shoes. When their eyes meet his tired face splits into a brilliant grin and Jonghyun uncomfortably concludes it brightens the room.

“How’d it go?” He asks, excitedly walking over to Jonghyun and flopping on the couch next to him, the exhaustion sleeping out of him. He turns his attention to Jonghyun, still smiling. “Am I looking at _ the _ Kim Kibum's new boyfriend?”

Jonghyun huffs out a bitter laugh and looks away, he can suddenly feel Jinki’s presence too heavily.

“You’re looking at _ the _ Kim Kibum's loser of a friend.” Jonghyun responds.

Silence. “What do you mean?”

Jonghyun refuses to meet his gaze, too weak in his own disappointment.

“You didn’t confess, Jonghyun-ah?” He’s grateful the words don’t ring with judgement or disappointment, grateful they are only said with pure curiosity.

“I...” the words choke at him and he just wants to cry. “I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t get the words out.”

He hangs his head and wills the tears away, his heart throbbing with unwanted sadness. Suddenly, Jinki wraps an arm around him and pulls him close. He says nothing and they sit in silence, Jonghyun enjoying the comforting warmth of his hyung.

He is eternally grateful for Jinki.

-

The door slams open and Jonghyun already knows it’s Taemin, Minho hot on his heels.

“What happened?” Taemin says, breathing steadily and eyes alight with something too close to fury. It really hurts.

“I don’t know.” Is all Jonghyun can reply. He looks away, unable to face them.

“You don’t know?” Taemin repeats, incredulous. “Well, I know. You didn’t confess to Kibum-hyung and now hyung is still sad and you’re still sad and we’re all still sad!”

Minho gently nudges Taemin and Taemin huffs out a breath, his tense stance slumping.

“I’m sorry. It’s just... Hyung, are you going to confess?” Taemin continues and his voice is more quiet and soft, as if apologizing for his outburst.

Jonghyun is silent. He wants to, he really does. But he’s just so scared.

It’s then Minho speaks up, and his voice is even softer, tinged with sympathy around the edges. “Taemin-ah.” Taemin looks at him and steps back a bit, forgoing his expectant look from before. Minho turns to Jonghyun. “Are you okay, hyung?”

Jonghyun stares back at him and it’s then he realizes everything just feels like _ too much _. He slowly shakes his head, it’s all he can do. Minho heaves a sigh and Taemin begins to look a little guilty.

Minho shares a look with Taemin. Well, more looks _ at _ him with an underlying meaning Jonghyun is not privy to. Offering Jonghyun a small smile, he starts, “I think we’ve been rushing you a bit. That was unfair of us, especially when you’ve only just recently learned you’re bi. It’s a big realization to come to terms with and we haven’t given you the time to come to terms with it.”

Jonghyun feels a bit at a loss for a moment. He thinks about it, thinks over the words and realizes that Minho is right. He’s not ready, not sure if he ever really was ready. He doesn’t really think he has a problem with liking boys, or at least liking Kibum, but it’s still a lot.

Jonghyun lets out his own heavy, shuddering sigh, drawing his knees up. He thinks over the words, unsure of what to say. “I guess you’re right.” He hates how small his voice is.

Minho smiles, and it’s not full. It shines with just a hint of sadness and guilt and now Jonghyun is gonna feel bad.

“I really do like Kibum. I just don’t think I’m ready to make that first move yet.” Jonghyun continues, fidgeting at his comforter. The words feel clunky in his mouth.

“That’s okay. I'm sorry, hyung.” Minho responds, almost like a conclusion. A smile tugs at his lips but Jonghyun can see the guilt in his eyes still.

Taemin fidgets to the side for a moment before speaking, “I’m sorry, hyung. It’s just... Kibum-hyung is really sad. I hate seeing him so sad, it’s not like him. I guess that’s why I’ve been pushing you so much.” He sounds ashamed but not very apologetic and Jonghyun can tell he truly believes he has the best interests at hard.

Jonghyun can’t help the way his eyebrows fold. “What do you mean sad?”

“He really does like you, hyung.” Taemin desponds. “He’s thought he was pining after a straight guy for the longest time. And then he found out that you liked guys and then he wouldn’t stop talking about how distant you became how much you must be disgusted by him... he just hasn’t been himself.” Taemin finishes in practically one breath, his eyes sad and pleading Jonghyun for _ something _.

And it’s so bizarre to Jonghyun. It’s so insane that Kibum could even _ think _ like that, could think that Jonghyun wants anything but him. “That’s insane.”

“That’s what we told him.” Minho says, voice quiet.

Taemin nods, “And I told him you were going to ask him out soon and then you didn’t and I just. I’m sorry, hyung. I shouldn’t have been meddling.”

It’s then Jonghyun realizes why Kibum looked a shy bit sad, how his form had deflated the longer they talked. He really has been the biggest asshole. He can’t believe he’s made Kibum feel so terrible, someone who shines so bright and is full of so much wonder and deserves so much love.

He wants to make him feel better so _ bad _ but Jonghyun also recognizes that he needs to do it at his own pace. He doesn’t think Kibum deserves any kind of rush.

Jonghyun breathes out steadily, Minho and Taemin starting to look awkward in their guilt as they stand there. “I know what to do. And neither of you are going to meddle.” He says finally.

Grins pull at their lips, “Of course not, hyung.” Minho responds.

-

Jonghyun is going to be Jonghyun.

That is his plan of action to woo Kibum at his own pace. He will be honest with Kibum and he will be wholly himself.

The line of thoughts is honestly a bit of a relief, thinking about being himself in all his Jonghyun glory more than refreshing. He feels like he can breathe again. Of course, the thought of Kibum makes him break out into anxiety _ still _ because Jonghyun has a habit of making a fool of himself and he’s so scared of Kibum being annoyed by him.

But he also knows Kibum deserves him being himself, not being distant, not stumbling over his words and barely saying a thing. He knows now Kibum just needs _ him _. Jonghyun. And it’s with these thoughts in mind that he goes out of his way to find Kibum and be with him, just because he really does want to.

“Hey.” Jonghyun starts, smiling. Kibum jumps a little and his eyes are wide as he stares at Jonghyun before smiling back at him.

“Hi. What are you doing?” Kibum asks, gazing at him attentively and Jonghyun can’t help but stare. Why had he been so shy around Kibum when being forward allowed him to memorize Kibum's beauty?

“Talking to you.” Jonghyun responds, tone light as he bounces just slightly on the balls of his feet.

Kibum rolls his eyes but Jonghyun can see the hints of red blooming on his cheeks. “Yeah, besides that.”

Jonghyun hums, following Kibum as they begin to walk. “Not much, just wanted to see you.”

Kibum laughs a little and it sounds like he doesn’t quite believe him. “No specific reason?”

Jonghyun shakes his head, still smiling, and the corners of Kibum's lips are still twitching up though it seems as if he wants to look exasperated. 

Kibum shrugs then and launches into some passionate topic, not looking at Jonghyun and instead ahead of them. But Jonghyun isn’t listening, is really having a lot of trouble listening when Kibum looks the way he does. So beautiful, so cute, so lovely and just wholly perfect. It’s hard not to just _ stare _.

He’s admiring Kibum's long legs when he feels Kibum's eyes on him. He slowly, almost sheepishly makes eye contact with him only to see Kibum staring at him deadpan with one unimpressed eyebrow raised.

“Hi?” Jonghyun says, his eyes wide, and Kibum laughs a little.

“Were you even listening to anything I said?” Kibum asks, his tone accusatory but still teasing.

Jonghyun blinks and pretends to be affronted. “Of course I was!”

Kibum lets a smile slip onto his face for a moment before smoothing it away into mock offense. “Oh, really? Then what was the last thing I said?”

Jonghyun scoffs. “Wow, you don’t believe me? We truly live in a world, can’t trust anyone these days.”

Kibum lets out a sharp laugh and it has Jonghyun's heart singing with pride. “Of course, Jjong. I’m so very sorry for doubting you.”

Jonghyun nods in approval. “Thank you. It’s hard to get people who understands nowadays.”

Kibum looks at him and Jonghyun loves the fondness that shines in his eyes, loves it so much he send him what he hopes is a sweet smile. Kibum smiles a little back before looking straight ahead again. Jonghyun is relishing in the red blotching on his ears.

“So.” Kibum starts after clearing his throat a bit. Jonghyun is just so endeared, so happy to be with Kibum he can’t stop smiling.

“So?” He repeats and Kibum looks at his sideways for just a second before back away.

“So, how are you feeling?” Kibum elaborates and the atmosphere is still light but Jonghyun can feel the worry and interest in his words.

Jonghyun hums, unsure how to answer as a bit of anxiety seeps into his heart. “I realized I was being stupid for no reason.”

“Stupid about what, though?” Kibum prods and Jonghyun can tell how much Kibum wants to know.

He still doesn’t really know how to answer, doesn’t know how to answer. So he looks at Kibum and smiles softly, a closed lip quirk of his lips as he gazed into Kibum's questioning eyes. “You’re really pretty, you know that?” His voice is softer than he’s used to, than he even recognizes.

The words are uncharacteristic of him, of their supposedly platonic friendship. But he truly means them, truly wants Kibum to know how pretty he is. He smiles even wider, feels his eyes crinkling a bit as Kibum gets even redder.

Kibum frowns a bit, twisting his lips. “Careful, Jjong. One would think you’re flirting with me.”

Jonghyun let’s his brain move faster than his mouth for once around Kibum. “And that’s a bad thing?”

Kibum looks at him then, eyes wide and he’s just so cute. Jonghyun's heart is melting, he must have a dreamy smile on his face. “You don’t think so?”

It’s Jonghyun's turn to frown then, confused. Does Kibum think them flirting is a bad thing? Well, if that’s the case there goes all his confidence. “You do?”

If possible, Kibum goes even more red. Eyes flicking around and fidgeting with his bag straps. It’s evident he doesn’t want to answer the question, too embarrassed to and Jonghyun can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Jonghyun watches him and waits for a response, for something.

“That’s not what I meant.” He mumbles some and Jonghyun thinks he knows what he means now. Pretends he doesn’t.

“What did you mean then?” Jonghyun asks, straight faced but knowing his face must still shine with fondness.

Kibum looks at a loss of words for the first time since Jonghyuns met him, looks like he doesn’t know how to respond to Jonghyun for the first time. It seems like he settles for shrugging and Jonghyun thinks he should leave it at that, knowing it’s unwise to push Kibum out of his comfort zone. They walk in silence.

“So you’re okay?” Kibum finally speaks. 

Jonghyun looks at him fondly and he knows his voice will be soft when he responds. “Yeah, Kibum-ah. I’m okay. Was just being stupid.”

“Not like that’s anything new, though.” Kibum laughs and Jonghyun bumps his shoulder with his own.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m stupid and terrible and also don’t listen to you while you’re talking.” Jonghyun says, tone teasing.

Kibum smiles a bit. “Hey, you said it, not me.”

Jonghyun laughs and it feels so good to be loose around Kibum again. Kibum may feel unreachable, may feel five steps in front of him all the time, but Jonghyun finds he does not care. Does not _ need _ to care, he just needs to relax and be himself.

-

It goes on like that for weeks and it feels comfortable, nice, warm. Jonghyun’s not sure he even has to worry about when he’s ready to confess when it can just go on like this. 

It’s then, when he is most satisfied and comfortable where they are, that tragedy truly strikes

He’s laying in bed on his phone, half of his assignments completed and the rest saved for later, when Taemin comes barreling in. It’s so reminiscent of a few weeks prior that Jonghyun immediately sits up in fear.

It doesn’t seem that Taemin is willing to beat around the bush and jumps right into it. “Someone asked Kibum-hyung out.”

Jonghyun’s stomach drops before he clears his mind, that’s not a big deal. “He gets asked out all the time, he never says yes.”

Taemin looks at him a little sadly, a little like he’s unsure how to tell the truth. “He’s thinking about saying yes.”

Jonghyun’s heart stutters, stutters, stops. “What?” He croaks out. “Why? What do you mean?”

Taemin looks at Jonghyun helplessly and it makes Jonghyun feel even more frenzied. “Who is it?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t catch the name. They’ve been talking all school year, the guys been flirting with him for the past few weeks now.” Taemin says, desperately soft.

The words make Jonghyun feel so _ stupid _ . This whole time, when he thought Kibum and he were going _ good _, there was someone else. Someone else was flirting with Kibum and it makes Jonghyun feel like a fool.

“Well, fuck. What am I supposed to do now?” Jonghyun says, wanting more than anything for this to not have really happened.

Taemin offers him a useless shrug. “I don’t know if he will say yes. He’s just... thinking about it.”

“But why?”

“He’s ready for a relationship, he wants to try more things. His words not mine.” Taemin explains.

It’s the first time Jonghyun realizes Kibum and him are on completely different wavelengths. Where Kibum is ready for more in life, Jonghyun is happy to go through the motions until life gives him more. He doesn’t know what to do with that information. He wants Kibum to be his but he is still so scared, but he also knows he can’t expect Kibum to wait for him forever when he does want more. Especially considering they never discussed their feelings for each other in the first place.

“What do I do?” Jonghyun repeats.

Taemin looks at him and his gaze holds that same soft maturity. “I don’t think you can do anything, I just wanted to make sure you were aware before anything happened.”

Jonghyun nods slowly, feeling sad and a little shell-shocked. He doesn’t know why he feels so surprised and upset, Kibum is Kibum. He is gorgeous and attractive and so many people want him, Jonghyun is no different. Just another face in the crowd of interested people.

As if Taemin can tell what Jonghyun is thinking, he speaks. “Don’t beat yourself up. Kibum-hyung really does like you, as a friend and more. Please trust me, you’re special to him. He just won’t wait forever.”

Jonghyun looks up at him earnestly. “Thank you, Taemin-ah.” He Hopes all he feels is conveyed in those words.

Taemin is so young but has grown so much compared to the rest of him, Jonghyun is both so proud and so fond. Taemin nods and smiles, cute and small and almost angelic.

Jonghyun’s phone buzzes against his leg from his pocket and when he takes it out, it’s a text from Minho.

**Smallhead**: is taemin with you?

Jonghyun frowns and types a short _ yes _, he looks at Taemin who is looking dutifully away. Taemin's presence is starting to seem a little suspicious. The text reply is immediate.

**Smallhead**: tell him to get over here he’s supposed to be doing algebra right now

And just like that, Jonghyun is reminded of how young Taemin truly is. He is still growing and still maturing everyday, he is still just a kid.

Jonghyun narrows his eyes at Taemin. “Hey,” He drawls, disapproving. “I will not be responsible for you failing your algebra tests.”

Taemin straightens, looking every bit affronted. “I had my test a few days ago. It’s just homework, it’s not a big deal.”

“Did you pass your test?” Jonghyun presses, feeling a bit like his parent. He supposed they all are, in some way. Or maybe that’s weird. He’s thinking about this too much.

Taemin is silent and Jonghyun makes an understanding yet almost mocking _ ah _.

“It’s just homework!” Taemin groans out dramatically.

“Oh, I had no idea you hated Minho so much. Don’t even want to spend time with your hyung.” Jonghyun clicks his tongue in mock disapproval. To his surprise, Taemin's cheeks pinken just the slightest. Jonghyun doesn’t usually notice these things, so he narrows his eyes.

“I don’t hate Minho-hyung, I hate pointless algebra lessons.” Taemin responds, pouting.

Jonghyun laughs a bit, reaching over to ruffle Taemin's hair fondly. “Ah, to be young.” Taemin sticks his tongue out at him. “I appreciate you coming over here, but you have responsibilities elsewhere.”

Taemin keeps pouting at him and though Jonghyun almost lets it melt him, he shakes his head. He doesn’t want Minho or Taemin’s mom yelling at him for distracting the student. When Taemin realizes he won’t persuade Jonghyun into letting him stay, he groans dramatically, picking up his bag and slouching away towards the door.

“Bye, hyung.” He mumbles at the doorway and Jonghyun sings out a sweet _ bye _ in response.

He picks up his phone and shoots Minho a quick text, _ he’s on his way, sorry D: _. He drops his phone beside him and flops back onto his cover.

It’s with a weight dropping in his stomach that he remembers his Kibum issue.

Because this is now an _ issue _. Jonghyun doesn’t think he can even stand the thought of Kibum dating someone else, can’t even stand the thought of being friends with Kibum while he is dating someone that is very much not Jonghyun.

His heart thumps and stomach churns so uncomfortably and all he can do is lay there, so many thoughts and yet no thoughts spinning through his mind. He feels stupid, he feels embarrassed, he feels sad, he feels heartbroken before heartbreak has even actually happened. And so, what feels like hours pass of just him lying and thinking and lying and _ hurting _, when Jinki knocks on his door.

“Hey, you want to order pizza?” Jinki starts, voice soft and staring at his phone. Jonghyun just stares at the ceiling.

“Jonghy- oh.” Jonghyun knows Jinki has looked up from his phone. Jinki lets out a careful exhale before sitting down on the bed, Jonghyun feeling the mattress dip under his weight.

“You wanna talk about it?” Jinki starts, his voice so calm and soothing.

Jonghyun sighs. He feels like he should want to cry, but he can only feel so upset. “I’m just so scared.”

“What happened, Jonghyun-ah?”

Jonghyun breathes in and out steadily for a moment. “I don’t know. I just feel like I’m on a different wavelength from everyone. I feel like I’m not doing the right thing, that I’m never gonna be doing the right thing. What even is the right thing?”

“Whatever feels right to you, I suppose.”

“But I don’t know what feels right. Nothing feels right.” He says, frustration beginning to creep up his chest.

Jinki is silent for a moment, no doubt considering, before he sighs again and pats Jonghyun’s leg. “I don’t think there ever is a _ right thing _, I think you just have to do what you can. Be proud of what you can.”

The words are kind, ring a bit of truth and a bit of hope, but they do not soothe the ache in his heart.

“I don’t know what to do about Kibum, hyung.” Jonghyun whispers.

“Is that what this is about?”

“Not... just that, but... you know someone asked him out?” Jonghyun says and it sounds so sad even to his own ears.

“He gets asked out all the time, doesn’t he?” Jinki asks, tone confused.

“Yeah,” Jonghyun huffs out a bitter laugh. “But this one’s different, I guess. Taemin told me he’s thinking of saying yes to this one.”

“Really?” Jinki is surprised, Jonghyun is not. Who would want him? “I thought he liked you?”

“I don’t know, hyung.” Is all Jonghyun replies.

Another considering silence ensues before Jinki speaks again, tone even more soft, even more soothing. “Jonghyun-ah... for what it’s worth, I think Kibum’s scared too.”

Jonghyun doesn’t know how to respond to that, doesn’t need to because Jinki keeps going.

“I know it hurts and I know it must seem so unfair and I know none of must make any sense.” Nail hit right on the head by all accounts. “But just... try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. I think Kibum likes you a lot and I think that scares him. I think he must be even more scared from the push and pull. You’ve been giving him a lot of mixed signals.” Jinki pauses for a moment, carefully choosing his next words. “You know Kibum doesn’t do disorganized, saying yes to someone else might give him steadiness he thinks he needs.”

“I can give him steady!” Jonghyun all but whines.

Jinki smiles. “I’m sure you can, Jjong-ah. I’m not saying what he’s doing makes sense, but... it’s what he’s doing.”

Jonghyun mulls over the words. His chest still aches but he thinks he’s beginning to understand. It must be alarming to someone as straightforward and narrow as Kibum to like someone so much, if it’s anything like the way Jonghyun feels for him. Jonghyun would most likely do the same, might accept some strangers feelings in order to cool his head. It really sucks, but he’d be a hypocrite to say he wouldn’t have once considered the same thing.

“So what do _ I _ do, hyung?” Jonghyun asks almost hopelessly.

“That’s not for me to decide, Jonghyun.” Jinki smiles and it makes Jonghyun groan because that is _ exactly what he’s already said before _.

“What advice can you give me? Please, hyung.”

Jinki hums, conceding. “I think... you can’t expect Kibum to wait for you forever, you can’t expect him to keep accepting mixed signals until you get your act together. He’s going to do what he wants to do, you know how he is. I think it’s time you just confess.”

The thought makes Jonghyun’s heart absolutely drop and he exhales carefully to expel the anxiety. “I don’t know if I can.”

Jinki looks at him sadly. “And that’s okay, it’s okay if you’re not ready. But you can’t keep Kibum in the dark forever, he is going to want to see the light.”

Jonghyun groans again and rubs his face slowly with his palms. “God, I feel so called out.”

Jinki laughs. “You know I only want the best for you.”

“Okay, mom.” Jonghyun mutters, Jinki only smiles and pats his leg again.

“I can't give you any confidence or reassurance on this, you’ll have to find that in yourself, but... I know you can do it. And I know it will be worth it, it’s okay to throw yourself into the unknown sometimes.” Jinki says.

The gratefulness Jonghyun has for him suddenly hits him like a freight train and he wants to cry. Just a little bit.

“What would I do without you, Jinki?” He can only hope his tone conveys how he truly feels.

“Die, probably.” Jinki comments, a sweet smile tugging at his lips. Jonghyun kicks him lightly. “Now, for what’s really important. Do you want to order pizza?”

Jonghyun thinks. He thinks of his situation and he thinks of Kibum and though anxiety is still present, he knows what needs to be done. “No. I think I’m gonna go to Kibum’s.”

Jinki’s head tilts, eyebrows raising. “You’re not gonna confess now, are you?”

Jonghyun’s heart is squeezed at those words but he wills the feeling away. “If I don’t do it now, I never will. And I think it’ll hurt more if I never do.”

Jinki smiles gently, supportively, and stands up. “Okay. Good luck, Jonghyun-ah.” He exits the room.

Jonghyun sits up when the door closes behind his hyung, feet finding purchase on the old carpet beneath him. His heart is beating so erratically, but he _ has to do this _. He wonders if those words repeating in his head means he’s ready, but the anxiety attacking his stomach contradicts that. When is someone ever ready, really? Jonghyun thinks back on Jinki’s words and heaves out a heavy sigh.

_ He has to do this _.

He gets up and leaves his room, walking to the bathroom. His hands grip with sink as he watches himself nervously in the bathroom. The apprehension is clear in his gaze and all he can do is breathe a steady exhale through his lips, hands coming up to fix the strands of his hair to a point where it doesn’t look like he had been doing nothing but laying down in bed all day, sad and contemplating life.

It’s really a now or never moment, he realizes, walking almost robotically to the front door and slipping on his shoes. He doesn’t really recognize himself doing all this, as if the nerves in his body had pulled him out and away.

“You can do this, Jonghyun.” Jinki calls out.

Jonghyun looks at him, looks at his kind smile and even kinder eyes, so tender and supportive, and feels the nerves disperse some. He smiles back feebly in response.

_ He has to do this _, is the last thing he thinks as he opens and closes their apartment door, beginning the walk to Minho and Kibum’s.

-

He’s in front of the door to Minho and Kibum’s apartment when the nerves attack him viciously once again. But he can’t let them stop him, _ he has to do this _.

Jonghyun breathes in and out quickly, psyching himself up. He runs his hand quickly through his hair, a nervous habit. Probably the wrong thing to do because now he is going to look like such a foolish mess when confessing to Kibum.

_ Confess _.

He sighs once and raps his knuckles swiftly on the dorm door. He’s half thankful and half annoyed when Minho opens it, eyes wide before curving when he realizes who it is.

“What are you doing here?” Is the first thing out of Jonghyun’s mouth.

“Okay, well now I’m not gonna let you in.” Minho responds, but there’s a degree of teasing in his voice, going to close the door.

“No!” Jonghyun says and Minho tilts his head. “I just meant- I thought you were tutoring Taemin?”

“That was hours ago.” Minho says.

“Oh.” Is all Jonghyun can reply, simply.

Minho offers an amused smile. “Now the question _ I _ should be asking, what are you doing here?”

Jonghyun feels that familiar anxiety sweep through his stomach and he scratches the back of his neck. “Um. Just- Can I... can I speak to Kibum?”

Minho frowns for a moment before something too familiar to realization passes over his eyes. Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything, just steps aside and welcomes Jonghyun in with a smile.

Jonghyun smiles with his chin down and side steps him. He doesn’t often come to Minho and Kibum's shared dorm, in fact, can only think of maybe two times he has. Jinki and Jonghyun’s dorm has just always been the preferred hangout spot for no particular reason.

“He’s in his room, I think.” Minho says behind him. “Jinki hyung is still at yours, yeah?”

“Yeah... I think he was planning to order pizza, if you’re interested.” Jonghyun replies.

“God, more than interested. I am, like, way more hungry than is legal. I’ll head over there. See you, hyung.” And Minho is slipping on his shoes and walking out the door.

Jonghyun is so lucky for his friends, so happy they are so understanding and kind.

He walks down a short stretch of hallway, peeking his head into the what he knows to be Kibum's room and, sure enough, there sits Kibum. His back is turned to the door and he’s hunched over a laptop, typing away with earbuds in and eating slow spoonfuls of the cereal beside him. He looks to be in what are too luxurious pajamas and his hair, so soft and nice and silky, has started to just barely fade. It’s no longer as shockingly bright a red, though still rather striking.

Jonghyun exhales quietly through his mouth. It’s now or never, he can’t let his anxiety stop him now. Jonghyun knocks twice on the bedroom doorway, cringing slightly afterwards because _ who does that _?

Kibum turns around very suddenly, eyes wide and pulling out his earbuds, and _ God _ , _ Jonghyun sure did have a lot more confidence when he wasn’t looking directly at the younger boys face _. He’s so, so gorgeous and Jonghyun’s heart simply stops for a moment.

It only starts again when Kibum's eyes have widened and he’s covering his face with a hand. “Oh my god,” Kibum mumbles under his breath. “I look so bad right now, what the hell are you doing here?”

Jonghyun stutters out a nervous laugh. “Um. I wanted to talk to you... about- something.”

Kibum peeks out from his fingers, eyes roaming over Jonghyun’s face for a moment before sighing. “Come in.”

Jonghyun awkwardly makes his way in and just stands there, a small embarrassed smile making its way into his lips when Kibum gestures to the bed for him to have a seat.

“I’m gonna put on some light makeup really quick, hold on.” Kibum says, pulling at his pajama bottoms in what seems to be nerves. “Maybe get changed, too.”

“What? Why? No, it’s okay.” Jonghyun is quick to protest. He sees no reason why Kibum needs to be wearing makeup.

Kibum rolls his eyes at him. “I look really bad right now, I’ll be right back.”

Jonghyun frowns, lips turning downwards. He hates that Kibum feels insecure around him. “Kibum-ah, you look beautiful. Can you sit down with me, please?”

It makes Kibum pause and he slowly lowers his hand from his face, sighing. Jonghyun smiles reassuringly at him.

“Yeah, okay.” Kibum mutters, running his hand through his hair a few times. Maybe he’s trying to calm the strands, but he really just musses it up more. Jonghyun is so endeared.

Jonghyun looks at him expectantly and it’s only when Kibum gingerly sits down behind him that _ holy shit _. Holy shit because he’s actually doing this and holy shit because holy shit, Kibum is the most gorgeous person he has ever seen.

It hits him like a freight train, nearly punching the air out of his lungs and all he can do is stare at Kibum, he must look so awe struck. The younger boys face is bare and he just seems to glow, skin shining and features natural. Jonghyun had become so accustomed to Kibum's narrowed, feline gaze that he never had the time to see that the boys wide eyed, makeup free stare is so pure, so innocent. Beautiful in such an otherworldly way. 

Jonghyun’s eyes follow from the boys sweet eyes to his small button like nose to his soft, plush, and bowed lips. And _ holy shit _ ? Holy shit. Jonghyun’s heart will not stop pounding and he probably looks like the world's biggest idiot just _ staring _ at Kibum but he can’t care, can't seem to care when all he can think about, when all he can want is to _ kiss _. He wants to feel those lips against his own and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt such a feral need to be so much more close to someone.

“Jong-“ Kibum starts, eyes wide in question and head beginning to tilt.

But Jonghyun can’t hear it because he has let the pounding, aching want of his heart drown all else out and has surged forward to cup the younger boys jaw as gently as he can, pressing his lips against the soft and sweet embrace of Kibum's own.

It’s not dramatic or groundbreaking by any means, just the simple and chaste press of two lips, but it has Jonghyun feeling invincible. There’s a million things running through his head, like if this is okay, if he’s doing it right, if maybe he’s being so fucking stupid, if maybe Kibum doesn’t like him like that after all, but the slow, soothing warmth from his heart branching down to his toes and up to his head starts to calm his mind.

He feels Kibum's hands place themselves tentatively on Jonghyun’s wrists and it shocks Jonghyun’s out of it. He pulls back slowly, eyes opening slowly, removing his hands slowly. Kibum is looking at him even more wide eyed than before, lips falling into a perfectly pouted ‘o’.

Jonghyun coughs out a laugh, realizing he _ needs to say something _. He can’t find any thoughts, however, as if that wonderful kiss had wiped everything clean. He makes shy eye contact with Kibum, before looking away to the ground. A part of him hopes Kibum will be the one to speak first, another part knows that he has to be the one to talk. He needs to lead the conversation.

And so, with absolutely no confidence, no finesse, no sense of words or direction at all, he speaks. “I- um, Kibum. I really like you. Like, I _ really _ like you. Like, I’m talking, galaxy sized supernova crush on you. I don’t really know how long I’ve liked you, longer than I let myself believe, but I do know that all I want is to hold your hand and kiss you freely. And, I mean, it’s completely cool if you don’t feel the same and it’s completely cool if you didn’t like that kiss or something, but I just-“ He coughs, allowing him a break from rambling to get air.

At the same time, however, he feels those same lips against his own. It’s harder, less chaste and more meaningful than the first one and it has Jonghyun making a noise of surprise. Kibum merely kisses it away. It’s when Kibum has started to open his mouth some that Jonghyun swiftly pulls back. He feels his own eyes as wide as Kibum's own.

Kibum looks at him, smiles, and _ God _, Jonghyun finally feels like he can breathe. Like an enormous weight has been lifted from his chest, from his lungs, from his heart.

“I thought you were straight.” Kibum says, incredulously.

Jonghyun laughs. “So did I.”

It makes Kibum smile. “Never thought I’d be someone’s gay awakening.”

Jonghyun simply looks away, laughing. “Does this mean you like me too?”

“I don’t kiss just anyone, Jjong.” Kibum replies, almost deadpan. “I think I’ve liked you since the moment I heard you speak.”

It makes something like pride surge through Jonghyun and he feels just so high, doped up on indescribable happiness. “Can I kiss you again?”

“I think I’ll hit you if you don’t.” The younger responds simply.

Jonghyun surges forward yet again and it is so _ intense _. Their feelings for each other are out in the open now and it can be felt in the kiss. It’s electrically charged, making Jonghyun feel himself burning so bright and warm. He is untouchable, unreachable. He’s smiling into the kiss when there’s an acute, sharp pinch on his arm. He pulls away, frowning and rubbing at the spot, looking to Kibum with a pout on his lips.

He meets Kibum's unimpressed stare head on. “Please don’t tell me this was the stupid thing you wouldn’t stop thinking about.”

He’s most obviously referring to Jonghyun’s continuous mixed signals, his reclusiveness, how he hadn’t told Kibum much of anything besides “it’s stupid and I’ll deal with it”, just the way he had been acting for too long around Kibum.

Jonghyun looks at him sheepishly, hand rising to rub at his neck. It makes Kibum let out a weary sigh.

“You have a lot of explaining to do, Jjong. I think everyone does.”

Jonghyun laughs. “Okay, Kibummie.”

Kibum pulls him back closer then, “Now, can you kiss me again?” His tone is light but his lips curl with dark intent. Jonghyun nods, stomach flipping as he closes the gap.

Jonghyun has never felt more content with any situation before.

-

“God, they really grow up so fast.” Taemin laments dramatically. Everyone laughs but Kibum, rolling his eyes.

It’s an hour or two after The Great Jonghyun’s Confession, as the rest had taken to calling it, that they’re all gathered and sitting in Jonghyun and Jinki’s living room. The TV plays pointlessly in the background as they all laugh around slices of pizza. Jinki sits in his chair, Minho and Taemin sharing the couch, while Jonghyun and Kibum are curled up together on the floor somewhere close to the TV table.

“Isn’t it a school night?” Kibum replies almost snottily. 

Taemin sticks his tongue out. “I told mom it was an emergency.”

“Your poor mother.” Jonghyun chimes in, relishing in Kibum's arm around his neck.

“Is it an emergency?” Kibum replies.

After sending Jonghyun a dirty look, Taemin looks incredulously at Kibum. “I don’t think you understand the pain and torture you both gave me, I think listening to you both pine separately for each other aged me 20 years.”

Kibum moves his arm as if to hit Taemin but he laughs along with everyone else.

“I’m just glad it actually happened.” Minho comments, chewing on a slice of pizza noisily.

“Yeah, no thanks to me.” Taemin claims haughtily, looking around at them as if expecting applause.

Jonghyun huffs out a laugh that’s more like a scoff. “Oh yeah, I forgot the spirit of Taemin was possessing me when I confessed to my boyfriend.”

The use of the word “boyfriend” and even mentioning the confession sends tingles through his body and he can feel his cheeks warm pleasantly. Kibum laughs sweetly by his ear and Jonghyun knows he must be just as pleased.

“It’s good to finally get some validation.” Taemin pouts, it makes Minho chuckle and elbow him lightly in the side. Jonghyun can only roll his eyes.

“I’m glad you guys are happy.” Jinki says lightly, his smile kind and eyes genuine. 

Jonghyun smiles broadly as Kibum mumbles a small “Thank you, hyung.”

Taemin leans back dramatically, letting out a sigh of one that had lived and seen so much. “All is right in the world now.”

Minho smiles, leaning forward to grab another slice of pizza, leaving the box empty.

“Hey, Choi Minho. That better not be the last slice of pizza.” Kibum drawls, voice low with intent.

Minho resolutely avoids eye contact, ignoring the question and taking a slow, measured bite. 

“Choi Minho!-“

Jonghyun gently squeezes the side of his waist, making Kibum pause and look over. Jonghyun merely smiles and delivers a delicate kiss onto the younger boys cheekbone, enamored by the way the skin beneath his lips starts to warm. It’s much to the dramatic and displeased groans of their friends, but Jonghyun absolutely does not care.

Jonghyun is happy, he has Kibum, he has confidence, he has love, he has his friends. Jonghyun is happy, and what else really matters?

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! PLEASE tell me what you thought of everything, i thrive off of any and all comments :D this fic couldve easily been a "jonghyun discovers hes gay and confesses" fic and leave it at that but i really wanted to focus on not just his feelings for kibum, but his feelings for his sexuality and how Yeah, Sometimes You Just Arent Ready and that is Okay !! i hope i did that thought justice and i really hope you all liked it :D <3


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